My mind is on fire

Changes ,stress and existential crisis overlaps in a loop , I don’t know how to react what is normal in this situation and what is wrong… I just don’t understand , more so I have just had several dramatic changes  coming out as gay being a major part of that and loads of other chaotic events that have spinner my normal so safe and quit little world straight into chaos time and time again. My psychiatrist doesn’t  even seem to listen to my thought and questions about life, Is there a point to all this struggling ,,,,,, I just don’t have hope that it will get better any longer . My inner demons  are wrecking havoc inside my mind  again again and again , My snake hobby isn’t giving me any stimuli  at this point it all just feels so pointless useless a complete waste of time,,,, I am also drinking to much at least one liter of alcohol per day,,,,  I afraid what will happen To me when or if I stop,,, probably everything will get worse,,, I just don’t know where everything begins or ends. Is there a higher meaning . My Ladyboy girlfriend is trying to support me the best she can, But as usual people are having a real though time understanding my thoughts . As have I, however I can’t help it it has been like this since I was a small boy, And it has juste escalated over the year making my mind more and more unstable before building and painting large scale model provided some amusement  but the loss of  one of my finger and massive damage of another has made this hobbyn extremely difficult . I have also been forced to sell one of my reef aquariums due to financial issues also most of my animals has been sold now only a cat and a few reptiles remain and one simple saltwater tank with a few fishes in it, I have also gained a lot of weight I should weig in at about 65 kilos now I’m over 80 kilos again and it is putting a tremendous amount of stress on my heart, Part of the reason that things are likes this is because I was born with miss shaped lungs , And that of course also put restrains on what i can and cannot do . It has also made my Heart grow way to large and that in its turn also put a large amount of stress on my body and soul, The thing I’m hoping for is that a stable relationship might be the foundation that make me able to make the rest of my life more solid. I’m carrying around so much grief inside of my mind and I just don’t know how to let go of it,